Dreaming. And reality.

I can't help but compare pregnancy to brain surgery. They represent such different things in my life but the similarities are clear. Same hospital. Same sense of unknown. Same sense of waaaiting, and not feeling quite on form. It's like life is suspended for a little while until this big scary event happens, and then we'll take stock and move forward with whatever we're left with. In a negative sense after brain surgery, and a positive sense after pregnancy.

Getting ready for surgery is obviously a similarity and is bringing back some memories and associated anxiety. But this time I am really excited and actually can't wait: we'll get to finally meet whoever is in there. He can kick me just as well from the outside where I can see him. Time is moving really quickly now, and the last week has suddenly felt different. It is becoming real.

One big difference is dreaming. I remember thinking it was odd that I didn't dream at all in the run up to brain surgery (which was probably a good thing...) but now - jeez. Some really weird dreams have been going on. I disturb myself sometimes.

Actually, the dreams have been quite vivid throughout pregnancy, but it's only this week that they've become about giving birth and babies (or baby dinosaurs in some cases). Like I said, it's becoming real.

Things contributing:

1. Tomorrow, we're going for a 32 week scan at Kings so we'll get to see him again. I'm simultaneously really excited and a bit worried. Is this all too good to be true or is something horribly wrong that we don't know about yet? I think it's normal to worry a bit, and I'm looking forward to it being over just so the anticipation and anxiety is gone. I'm also really looking forward to seeing him - just to check he's really real. But 32 weeks! That's so very nearly 40 weeks.
   
   
2. Then there's NCT classes that we've just started a couple of weeks ago. The video we watched, and just very frank conversations with other pregnant people (and a collective sense of fear) has definitely made it more real.
   
   
3. And yesterday we saw baby H, a friend's lovely little boy who is now three months. I have seen him a lot but this time it just seemed to kick in more - we're going to have one of those soon!
   
   
4. Also excitingly, this is my last week at work. When I finish that'll be it - proper countdown mode.All the things I've meaning to do to get ready will get done, and then we'll be ready. Hopefully. Everything is finally getting there, the things we've been talking about for months are finally happening.

Despite the similarities with brain surgery and the impending sense of something momentous that we're hurtling towards, it is with excitement and impatience instead of dread and fear. It feels like we're suspended right now, but that reality is not far away. Bring it on.

Who am I?

It's been so long since I felt like me, that I don't even know if I would recognise it anymore.

I wish I'd had some warning, something to tell me to take a good long look at things as they are now, because it won't ever be the same again. I remember wishing I'd taken more notice of the way my head felt before surgery. Without bumps. And similarly I wish now that I'd really taken more notice of what life was like before any of this happened. Easy to say, looking back.

A couple of headaches, to a horrendous time preparing for surgery, to frustrating recovery, to being pregnant, to now. There was a time when I thought things would get back to normal after the surgery, and I even went running (about 200m but I was still quite pleased), but then I found out I was pregnant.

Things will never be the same again, and I will never be the same again.

Being pregnant is brilliant, except it isn't. Being pregnant is the promise of brilliance, without anything actually very positive happening. That you can see. Obviously something very positive is happening far out of sight. On the surface, it is physically hard and emotionally hard.

It isn't really the done thing to say negative things about pregnancy but Tanya Gold has inspired me.

I'm not me any more. I don't feel like me, I don't look like me (stupid hair) and I can't do any of the things that I would normally be able to do if I was me. I am weak, I can't sleep so I am permanently grumpy and I feel (although I realise this probably isn't happening it's just the hormones and lack of sleep paranoia) that noone is interested in me any more, other than things to do with the pregnancy. And I hate being so dependent on people.

I can't wait to have a baby, I can't wait to meet him and I can't wait to be one person again. Me.

Nothing much to report. Funtimes.

Some really cool stuff has been going down recently, which has meant that I have nothing to write about. No tortured thoughts, no massive quandaries, just plain old fun.

Firstly, I went on holiday. Like, a sunny one with a pool. It was great. Loads of family together and we ate so much food and lay around in the sun I can't remember the last time I did that. We did do some culture type things too, but it was the lying down bit that I liked best.

Then it was my birthday. Which was nice. I managed to drag it out for quite a while and despite not being able to do my usual drinking binge it was really very good. Lots of family time and getting my own way. For a change :)

And then, I got a letter from the DVLA, giving me permission to drive! The letter is proof (of permission) to tide me over until I get my licence back. It took a bit of chasing but eventually it arrived, and I could drive again. Hurray! Incidentally, isn't it weird how you don't forget how to drive? I've been quite impressed with my multitasking. Feet just do things without me telling them to. I'm still finding it a bit tricky to work the wind screen wipers though.

And on top of all that, the weather has been lovely and we've had a few bbq's in the garden and seen loads of friends and made loads of plans. We even went to the cinema last week for the first time since surgery. I found it a bit too loud to be honest (and way expensive, when did that happen?), but it felt like a milestone.  

AND oh my God I almost forgot - we're getting a dishwasher delivered on Saturday. The rest of the day will be known as dishwasher day minus five. Get in.

This must be quite dull as posts go, but everything seems to be swimming along fine for now, which surely must be worth making a note of.