So I've been writing this for what seems like a while now, but given the whole ordeal has been less than two weeks so far, I really haven't. It's been very useful to write things down as I spend a lot of time thinking but actually writing it forces me to make sense of my thoughts. And looking back on this is going to be quite interesting I reckon.
I intentionally didn't lock it down, I'm not writing this for anyone else but I didn't want to fall into the trap of only writing for me so I've left it open. But until now hadn't really told anyone about it. Yesterday I set Henrietta free and it's been a bit strange dealing with that. It's not that I'm usually so private (I am) it's more that I'm not sure it's very interesting, or worse, accurate, because I'm just so all over the place. Obviously there is a vanity worry - what the hell will people think about what I'm thinking, but then after everything I've written about confidence and changing perspectives, I have decided to let go.
When I started, it was really to capture the process of dealing with the idea. I was really interested to see how my mood would change and when I would deal with things and what would plague my mind in the run up to surgery. That in itself was a massive signal that I was only really concentrating on the time up to surgery and totally blocking recovery. It occurred to me last night that actually recovery is the main story here. Getting back to being me.
Now we're on the final countdown it is clear that post surgery and recovery will be a huge healing process that will also be useful to write about. Assuming I can write.
Also, I feel like I want people to know what's going on, although I don't actually want to tell them. I've written a page that explains the tumour and what happened and when I'm having surgery and I'm going to put a link to it on Facebook in a week or so. Then people can read the link if they want more info but not if they don't want to. I have been planning this, but didn't know where to post it. If I put it on here then people would automatically have access to my thoughts throughout the whole process - am I ok with that?
I think I am. Well, not ok, but willing. Brain surgery is not brave, just necessary. Setting Henrietta free? That is brave. Hello everyone - feel free to comment!
... tumbleweed :)