Monday, October 08, 2012

Late night ramblings.

One funny thing is the way I feel completely outside of real life. Not necessarily in a bad way - just in a parallel kind of way.

Over the weekend I really wasn't looking forward to Monday when everyone would go back to work and college, and I would still be on the sofa. Kind of like everything carrying on without me, and me not having a point or a purpose. But actually Monday was fine. I wasn't bothered about the work I was missing which was a surprise but also a relief. I have let go of it so completely that I wouldn't be able to pick it up now anyway.

But it is odd to think of everyone still carrying on when the course of my life has (temporarily) changed so fundamentally. I think I might come to struggle with it later but now that the surgery date has been brought forward, two weeks does actually seem quite manageable. 

Post surgery of course is a whole different matter as I'll have something to work towards (being better) (and getting back to work). This limbo space is the weird bit, not quite well enough to go to work, or care about work even, but not quite ill enough for time to just pass. Obviously this is manifesting itself by mental head thoughts going round and round and getting all twisted together. I think maybe it's bedtime. 

Busy day tomorrow, visitor fest. Might even manage to have a wash and put some non pyjamas on. Don't count on it yet though.

Definitely feeling better.

Just found myself having a little sing. Things are definitely looking up.

Time for a bit of reflection.

I've been quite antisocial for a few days, can't quite put my finger on why but I've been ignoring emails, phone calls and skype calls, preferring to just let Olly deal with everyone. It's annoying because I don't want to be rude and I certaily don't want people to stop calling or coming around, it's just easier to hide away and not see anyone.

I think I'm feeling better today though, and actually when people are here it is fine - it's more the thought of it, or the thought of the effort.

I've also been spending a bit of time trying to understand my own thoughts about whats going on and my reactions to it. It's interesting that I am so exhausted when nothing much has really changed. I'm on the steroids of course, which everyone agrees will be havng some sort of effect, they just can't agree what that effect is. Some say they will make me lively and stop me sleepng, some that they'll wipe me out. Either way, I am v tired and I can't tell if it's the drugs, psychological, or sheer laziness now that I have an excuse to get everyone to run around after me.

An interesting thing happened yestedray, we'd been watching an eposode of Breaking Bad and when it finished I got up to go the loo. Momentarily I completely forgot about the brain tumour and fair sprinted down the hall. Then I remembered and was completely overcome with immediate fatigue - how does that work?! I have always had to push myself to not be lazy, I'm just hoping that I'm not going to take this opportunity to turn into a heffer.

I think I am feeling better today, better in myself, as in more normal in myself. I have a bit of a headache too, which actually is making me feel normal! Ridiculous that this is what it's come to.

Also, I'm back to feeling lucky. I don't like the word blessed, I guess because of the religious connotations, but I was reading a forum about head surgery (ill advised in my position) and someone had written that they felt blessed and it immediately struck a chord. The way that people have rallied around me is incredible, quite moving as well as humbling. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do, and family - and Olly's family - it's just a whole other level. I must take this for granted all the rest of the time as at the moment I feel physically bowled over by the concern and affection people have for me, and for Olly and for the whole situation. 

And everyone keeps saying that we're brave. I just don't see it that way, it is what it is, we don't have a choice and we just have to go with it. I guess if it was the other way round I would think that too - very strange how situations change when you're in them.

After a sleepless night.

Having a bit of a downer at the moment and I'm not sure why.

I can still see all the positives, and still feel really lucky. Just feel a bit aimless too. I'm crying in bed while Olly's asleep and I don't even know why. I'm easily distracted by playing a game but then it just starts again when I finish.

It's made me look at my life and see how great it is. I couldn't be in better position. I have found the best person in the planet and he wants to be with me, I still can't believe my luck. I have a great job that is challenging and well paid. We have a beautiful house and the most amazing supportive friends, and don't get me started on family. I just can't believe how I've landed so well on my feet.

So why am I crying? It's ridiculous.

Something I wrote in hospital. Bear in mind I was on a lot of drugs.

You know how in american films when they tell you medical bad news the doctor is always sitting across a big desk with a lamp and a file of papers? You know how they broach the subject gently, even in uk films, and Casualty?

This has been a different experience really. Not what I would have expected.

I have gone from thinking:

  • "an ambulance? This is a total waste of resources"... to 
  • "a stroke doctor? Now you're just taking the piss"... to 
  • "oh, um this isn't good, is it Oliver...?"... to 
  • "a fucking tumour? Brain surgery? SHAVE MY HEAD?"

Looking back its only been 18 hours since we saw the GP with a migraine, although it feels like an age. The one thing I will say is how brilliant the NHS is. It's brilliant. The staff have all been brilliant. It's brilliant we live near such a brilliant NHS hospital. Well done King's.

I'm writing this on my second night on a short stay ward. There are four of us in a room and last night one of them screamed throughout the night; tonight it's the second ones turn. The first one has moved on to whimpering, having done a smelly poo and treated us all to a waft. The third keeps calling someone and explaining loudly how they are all keeping her awake. She's a particularly nasty character and loudly exclaims that she hopes they die in their sleep (they are very old). And she says cunt a lot.

The nurses have a lot to deal with. I cant believe how rude people are to NHS staff, like they're entitled to everything and can treat nurses like shit. It amazes me how theythink that's ok. I'm trying to make up for it By being extra nice.


I chose this name as it always makes me laugh. Sometimes you just need something to make you laugh and I have a feeling we're going to need some of those moments. So this is my new blog.

Last week Oliver took me to the doctors with a migraine. Before we knew it we'd been ambulanced to A&E, brain scanned and diagnosed with a brain tumour. Most probably benign but needing to come out. It was a funny two days, and the days since then have been odd too.

As I wait for surgery, this will be an odd collection of thoughts that occur to me.