My changing relationships.

Something I've been thinking about for a while is how this is changing my relationships with people. I suppose at a deeper level it's about how I am dealing with things differently and how the change in my outlook is affecting the way I interact with people. It's quite interesting.

Mostly it's people that I don't know particularly well. I know them, we get on and like each other but we don't know each other. I guess. Does that make sense?

Stepping back a moment, I wonder if I have become more serious. I don't think I have, I think it's just I can't be as bothered anymore to always do the polite thing and say the right thing at the right time and basically stick to any basic social norm. (Trying not to be grumpy is something that I have to work on A LOT in social situations, so the net effect may well be me appearing more grumpy). It's not like I think I don't have to anymore because I have a brain tumour, it's more like I just can't be bothered. Maybe the lack of energy hasn't helped too.

The upshot then is that I am cutting to the chase more, I am not really doing much small talk and I'm being more direct with people. I have noticed I am asking people more questions that I perhaps would not have thought appropriate before, and I am being more interested in the real things rather than the mundane and small talk. This is a good thing. It has accelerated a few of my relationships already I think, in a very good way - it's like we have been able to skip a stage. I suppose if anything, this does throw up more serious things to think about than the weather.

I wonder if it will just be a short term thing?

Also, something I wrote earlier struck me about this. Although I have such a fantastic group of people supporting me, I still can't really shake this feeling that I'm outside, parallel, on my own. It feels like I have to step up and grow up and basically just deal with it and it's like it has actually given me confidence. I know that I'll do this on my own and I know that I'll be fine, but I suppose really it has illustrated to me that I can do it, and I am strong enough - when maybe I wasn't really aware of that before. And that that growth in personal confidence is subsequently allowing me to be more confident in interacting with other people, who maybe I was a little intimidated of before.

Who bloody knows. I'm not sure all this self contemplation is a good idea actually there's a fine line! So self indulgent!